my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
