Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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