This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
