Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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