I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
