I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
