I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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