I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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