It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
