just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Come share oat with me in your robe
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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