Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
