Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
