you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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