Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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