i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
