Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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