college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
