This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
