I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He shit in the fireplace
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
