so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
