1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
