Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
