Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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