Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
