Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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