Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I want a musical about memes.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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