Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
