2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
