yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
