watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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