i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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