I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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