I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Did I show you my penis last night?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
