First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
