The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize