Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
