can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
