Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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