What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
