Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
In other news, I just burned my penis
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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