she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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