Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
