my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
no you cant smoke seaweed
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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