u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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