I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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