Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think my fart just growled at me.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
