Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
