There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
