Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
