There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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