your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
