fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
