You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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