Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
