So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
