I puked a lego.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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