bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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