i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
