There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You can't special order awesome
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
