im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I did not marry a roomba.
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