dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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